The majority of my life I have had the goal to be fit and healthy. Who doesn’t?
The majority of my life, I have wanted to be fit and healthy to gain the acceptance of those around me. To not be labelled the ‘fat friend’ (whether or not that was ever a true thing, I don’t know, but I didn’t want that to be my ‘thing’). To be the fit friend. YES. I wanted to be FIT so that I fit in with what I saw around me. Fit people doing healthy things.
But it was deeper than that.
My whole life, I’ve compared myself to those around me. My body parts to their body parts. My personality traits to theirs. In the past, I’ve always come in second. Whoever the person is that I was comparing myself to on that particular day always came in first. I wasn’t *something* enough. Something = thin, pretty, tall, short, muscular, funny, happy, grateful, etc. etc. etc. There was always something. Always.
I was told when I was in my formative years that I wasn’t enough. All of those adjectives above and then some. It came from bullies and classmates, but also from people who had the ability to make an impression. Only it was more like a cattle prod.
I felt branded. “Not Enough.”
Now that I’m an adult, I’ve carried the “not enough-ness” through my almost 30 years. But it multiplied itself. Soon, everything wasn’t enough. I didn’t exercise enough. The house wasn’t big enough. I didn’t make enough. My writing wasn’t good enough. I’m not a good enough mom. I wasn’t FIT enough. I’m not HEALTHY enough. It’s like an annoying song bridge playing over and over.
Everything was riddled with doubt because it was ingrained in my head for so long that I just wasn’t good enough, therefore nothing I did wasn’t good enough. Just being me wasn’t enough.
I figured I what I was feeling what what others saw. That I really, truly wasn’t enough.
This sounds sad and pathetic, but it’s the truest of the true. And it’s no way to be. But I know I’m not alone.
It’s been a long road figuring this out and learning how to accept what I am and what I have. It’s not easy, and I fall back into old thoughts fairly often, but now I dig myself out as swiftly as I can. I still doubt myself, but I’ve learned how to ignore the doubts. There are still people who make me feel that something is ‘not enough’ but I know better and have worked most of them out of my life.
Because, actually, I am enough.
Our house is big enough – what do we need more space for, really? If it’s ‘stuff’ – that means we need to overhaul and donate.
I definitely exercise enough. There are times when I don’t make it to the gym when I want to, but I try to make up for it when I can, and I don’t beat myself up if I miss a day (or two or three)…life happens. Going when I can is absolutely enough.
I am fitter and healthier than I have ever been…that is totally enough. (that’s not to say I am where I want to be, but I’ll be damned if I’m not giving it my all to get there – which is more than I have ever done.) CrossFit has given me the confidence to know that I can do whatever I set my mind to.
I am the best mom I know how to be, and that is perfectly enough. Striving to be any other mom wouldn’t be fair to Brooke or B2. So I just do me and figure everything out on the way. It may not always be right, but it’s what I know (or am figuring out).
My writing is me. They are my thoughts and my feelings. And that is definitely enough. It isn’t always perfect either, and there are mistakes, but I’m pretty much an open book. Life may not always be exciting, but this blog, whether I have one reader or a million, is an outlet for me to share, and that is something I enjoy, and that is enough.
And those are just a few. I’ve found that once I started looking, there is so much in my life that I really am enough at. And maybe some of them not even just enough. Maybe even great. More than enough.
So to anyone out there suffering from the ‘not enoughs’ – take a look and ask yourself why you feel that way. Are you comparing yourself to someone else? Are you comparing your life to the lives of those around you? If you are. Stop it right now. You are YOU. That is the way it was meant to be. No one else can EVER be you. So be the best you that you can be. Know that you are enough. Always, always enough.