I’ve been a bad ‘Grateful’ blogger. In all honesty, I haven’t felt all that grateful about much in the past several days. There is always something to be grateful for, I know that, and I certainly am not out to be a complainer, but I am just disappointed in life’s direction at this moment. I know that is unfair to say or think, and I’m trying to not think that way, since I know God has a plan for me and this is all in his plan, but that doesn’t mean it can’t make me angry.
Sometimes I find myself thinking “if only I had worked harder,” but then I have to laugh because there was nothing to work harder on, there was literally no work to do, same as now, only then I was getting a paycheck.
Reality has punched me in the face. We sat down the other night to re-work our household budget. Which started with changing out the number in my income row to zero. That just plain sucked. Almost like before we sat down and looked at that, it was that I just got laid off. But once we opened that spreadsheet and changed that income digit to a big, fat zero, it was I got laid off. It really hurt to see how much of an impact this can have on our household, where Robert is cutting things out of his budget and shrinking our grocery budget just to make ends meet. No, we’re not going to be in any serious trouble, but like I said before, it means less fun that costs money.
Another punch in the face happened today, when I applied for unemployment. Even though that is money that I’ve paid to our government for the past however many years I’ve been working, it doesn’t make it any more fun or any easier sending in that application. Thank goodness they let you do it online now, instead of having to go into the office. I’m not sure I would have wanted to do that (although I would have sucked it up, it’s just nice that I could do it all in the comfort of my own home). So thankfully that zero in my income column won’t be a zero for long, and hopefully in a few weeks it’ll have its normal income number in there.
I haven’t heard anything from any of the companies I’ve applied to yet. I guess when all you have to do is apply, you want the process to be much quicker, but I’m trying to remind myself that it takes time. I bet I’ve applied for 15-20 jobs in the past few days. Even jobs I don’t qualify for and jobs I’m way over-qualified for – anything would work at this point.
I was talking to my friend Emily today and told her I would fly out there to see her, but I couldn’t afford it, and in her own words, she was ‘feeling wise today,’ and she said “if you have the time, you don’t have the money, if you have the money, you don’t have the time.” – she is a wise girl, huh? It’s so true. It stinks how true it is.
We had a crazy-busy weekend, with our pre-10K pasta dinner with the Richmond Pavement Pounders on Friday night, the race on Saturday morning (which I won’t comment on since neither of us are happy with our times, but we only have ourselves to blame for not training…), the VCU vs. Butler Final Four basketball game on Saturday afternoon (sad VCU lost…), and football and a cookout on Sunday.
Of everything we did this weekend, there was one common theme: Sportsmanship.
Sports and competitive events are funny at this point in life. Not ‘haha’ funny, but funny in the sense that no matter how hard I try, I’ll never understand someone elses competitive nature, and I’ll never know why people act the way they do, and luckily, I’m at a point in my life where I know that it’s not up to me to understand. To me, it’s just a game, for fun. There are so many other things that I need to focus my concerns on in my life that losing a sporting event pretty much falls to the complete bottom. I try to think of it this way: Yes, it is really nice and fun to win. But what is going to happen if we lose? Is the world going to come to an end? Am I going to feel any different about myself and my well-being and the way I live my life? Am I going to doubt my ability to participate in a sport? The world definitely isn’t going to end, I’m not going to think better or worse of myself, and I might spend five minutes thinking of how I could have done ‘this or that’ better, but when I get home, there are so many more important things that I simply forget about that game or competition. I have to feed my husband (or he has to feed me – he is the cook, hah) or clean up the house or water the garden or feed the kitties or anything that reigns over winning or losing, which is pretty much everything else in my life.
I know everyone is different and some people are just wired to be more competitive, and that is okay – as long as you always keep your priorities in check. My family, home, friends and life will always be my priorities, no matter what. Winning or losing a game or run or any competition will never alter that. There are just some things (everything) that are more important. I won’t lie, I’m not perfect, I get emotional and competitive and I am just as vigorous as anyone else, but letting those emotions influence other areas of my life won’t happen. At the end of it all, I can tell you one thing, God isn’t going to make his judgement of us based on if we won or lost ‘that’ game. It’s all about how we live our lives. That’s all that matters.